Ye Religion-Religion Kya Hai?

 Warning: If you are the religious type, don’t read any further. If you do, don’t blame me if you are offended.

Recently, much debate has raged over whether or not Islam is a peaceful religion.  I had my say on the other blog which well to put it mildly has not pleased a lot of folks. So you might ask? Whats new?

heh. But can we make organized religion compatible with modern secular and  liberal values? Can it hope to co-exist peacefully with the values which we cherish? If yes. How?

Suppose you are a Hindu. And you like Ramayana, but you find the concept of Sita being asked to pass through the fire to prove her chastity stupid. So what should you do?

Take Ram to the corner and tell him: ”Look dude, I think you are a pretty nice guy. I mean, I like the way you shoot your teer-kaman, it kinda sexy if you know what I mean. But I find this whole idea of anyone being subjected to a fire test stupid, so excuse me, if I don’t follow that.”

Simple, no? Maybe you find the whole Ramayana idiotic(like I do) then check out Mahabharta, if you don’t like that read Vedas. If nothing appeals to you become an atheist!

All I am saying is that do not surrender your judgment.

Chalo, lets suppose you are a Muslim. And you are confused about whether you should beat up your wife or not. Some Mullahs say you should, others say, no, Islam does not sanction that. So what should you do?

No! Don’t ask Aallah! Look, Aallah is responsible for about 1.1 billion people. Think for yourself, can wife beating be justified whatever the provocation might be?  Think hard, and one should be able to figure out the answer. Ok, this one’s a no brainer but sadly not for everyone.

But what happens if Allah appears in your dream in the night and you ask him if wife  beating is justified?

If Aallah says no, bow down and proclaim him as the true God. But what if he says yes?

Aallah:Of course, infact that’s one of the requirements for paradise.

You: well, sorry dude. Ye nahi chalega.

Aallah:But…

You: And you know what? You run the whole frigging world but I have a bad tempered boss to answer to. So please be on your way so I can go to sleep. Go scoot!

That’s it! You send Allah on the way. I mean yes, I see Hindus have an advantage here. They have like 330 million Gods and Goddesses!

Infact, this is something I have often wondered about. Suppose we accept that Hinduism was established like, say 5000 years ago? What was the population then, maybe like 30 million? So even if we accept that every individual was a Hindu, he had about 10 Gods for himself. Talk about personalized services! So you don’t like what Shiva told you(that is if you could clear all the bureaucracy), no problem, go to another one. There are plenty around!

My personal contribution to Hindu Theology has been the belief that Hindu Gods formed the first political establishment. So you had the High Command, and then Indra served as the Prime-Minister of an assorted gang of ministers who took care of everything from death to rains. Wows, individual responsibility!

Infact, to take this a little further, they also provided the first insights on how the future politicians will behave. Indra was mostly drunk or busy with Apsaras, while the other cabinet minister fought turf wars. They even had a Amar singh like character who moved all over the place spreading mischief .

Makes sense, no?

Chalo, lets get back to our story. So you send Aallah packing and during his wanderings, he meets Ram, siting in the corner sulking.

Aallah: No one respect us anymore. People are actually trying to think for themselves.

Ram: I know, it sucks!

Aallah: yeah, we will see them in hell.

Ram: yup, sallon ko dekh lenge!

Infact, here is another of my little personal theories. How the threats organized religion issues mirror the threats of Mumbai underworld. ‘I mean ‘Kal tak 10 khoka nahi Diyato uda denge” is it not similar to:”if you don’t follow what I say, you will rot in hell.” I mean, think. And this whole business of Jesus died for you! Here is the deal guys, if you promise me that you will be worshipping me 2000 years after I am dead, nail me to the Cross Now!

Anyway, lets introduce Jesus in our little story. Shall we?

So Ram and Aallah are wandering around, when they spy a man hanging on the Cross.

Ram: Jesus! You still hanging up there?

Jesus: Yup, the bastards said that they will take me down after 3 days. Its been like what. 2000 years? Please take me down.

Aallah: Sorry, I am too busy. Too many buggers blowing themselves up and I better find some more virgins.

Ram: Me busy too. Sita is off again, these woman I tell you! Guess, another fire test is in order. Sigh! such wastage of fine sandalwood.

Jesus; Please, take me down now and I promise I wont ever climb a fugging Cross again. For Christsake help me!

Aallah(the merciful one): Well, ok.

Ram:Ah! well, ok.

Jesus: Thank God!

Ram and Aallah in unison: You are welcome

Now, they look at each other.

Ram: What do you think you are doing?

Aallah: Well, he just thanked me!

Ram: He said Thank God which means he thanked me!

Allah: Oh, you prince without an empire, you think you are a fugging God!

Ram: So who else is? You?

Aallah: All right, lets settle this right here, who is the true God!

Ram: chal! Aaaja maidan mein!

So, Ram and Allah are on their way looking for their swords and teer-kaman while Jesus cries in the background

”You morons, first take me down! I gotta pee!”

(Now, think, is it not what the whole my religion is better than yours BS is all about?

Chalo, enough of this nonsense. So, what is the moral of the story?

That if you are the religious types, then by all means, learn from what your religion preaches. But that can never be the complete education. We learn from our parents, the society, the books we read, the people we admire. Religion can reinforce the positive things to some extent but can never by itself make us complete. Thus, never sacrifice your individuality and your values at the altar what someone claims to be the truth.

To sum it up: Take the best and fug the rest!

Isme complicated kya hai?

Of course, I don’t understand why people are dying for Gods as theirs is not even the true God. Which of course is mine!

All hail FSM!